...and I'm pissed! I've been on this streak. A streak of unexplicable happiness. It's felt so good and long overdue. There hasn't been a reason, just really happy with my life just the way it is. I didn't win a substantial amount of money or pay off all my debts. I haven't found a new love or anything of that magnitude, but I've still just been really happy. But now, I'm feeling some kinda way about shit. And it's not necessarily justified, but the feelings are present nonetheless. I keep telling myself, "Don't compare yourself to others. You MUSN'T compare yourself to others!" But it seems there's a louder voice overpowering that voice. I look around me and everywhere I turn it seems that people are realizing or living out their dreams and I can't help but ask "Why isn't that me?" Why do I work extra hard at doing what's necessary to actually work on writing, but I still haven't published a damn thing?! I took a teaching job, just so that I could have the time necessary to write, but have had to use most of my time off to work extra hours to make more money. Ends are not meeting and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. People who haven't had this as a lifelong dream are just writing books are all over the damn place and I still haven't gotten half-way through one. I've started six books. SIX!!!!! And at the end of the day, I'm so tired that I can't even think about characters, settings, or plots so I don't add anything to either of them. No..., I don't want to think about it. Instead, I have to cook, clean, do hair or laundry, help with homework, supervise baths or other such parental duties that are required of me.

And then not to mention, this weight loss thing is a full-time job itself. Working out 2 hours or more, 5 days a week takes a large chunk of my time. Planning menus/meals, preparing lunch and snacks for the next day all require alot of time. I'm so frustrated right now I could cry. I can't do it all, but I don't see what I can cut out at this point. Therefore, the thing that's being sacrificed is the writing. *sigh* I'm not happy right now.

I'm tired.

...and I can't quite put my finger on why. I started the school year with such an optimistic outlook. And now, going into the fourth week, I'm feeling like I don't know what the hell I'm doing, the kids aren't responding to the content the way I'd hope, and many of them seem just as lost as I am. They're bored, no correction, we are bored. For the past three weeks, I've had to administer mandatory benchmarks and writing assessments. They are feeling slightly burnt out already. Not to mention, some of them just don't want to be there anyway so any request for them to do work is met with groans and complaints. One kid even asked if he could just go to sleep. "Miss (God forbid he actually use my name)can I go to sleep, Miss?"

I have this bad habit of looking at them like they're crazy when they ask me stupid questions. It's such a hard habit to break. I don't even try to disguise my annoyance or disgust. I'm frustrated. They're frustrated. We are definitely not vibing.

I want this year to be different. I want them to actually want to learn. I want them to be motivated. I know I have to get them excited. But how can I get them excited if I'm not excited. How can I prevent myself from getting annoyed when they ask me "Miss, what's the homework?" after I've already said it and it's on the board in the same spot it's been in since the first day of school?

I need an attitude adjustment. I know this. *sigh* Time to put my game face on.

I am on the hunt for the a good, no, great electric pencil sharpener. Who makes the best? How much does it cost? Where can I find it? And how long does it last? LOL. Lot of questions, but I need to know. Thanx a million!

"Read teaching"

Today has been a long day. I'm trying to get my classroom together, but it's hard starting from scratch. Slowly, but surely it will get done. It has to.

That darn Alicia Keys is sho nuff the truth. I recently discovered her song "Lessons Learned". Boy is that ever my story! I could've written that song. I guess I did...just a different version.

I took advantage of all the teacher appreciation specials today. My day was actually pretty good. All except I accidentally threw away my retainer. Oops. And that's literally like throwing money away. A very expensive mistake.

It's thundering right now and it's so beautiful. I love the rain.

Post

long! Much to say...much to say, but I will have to take baby steps. Especially since its been 45 weeks since my last post. For now, I'll just give a synopsis.

Not too much has changed. I'm going into my 2nd year at Lilburn. Unfortunately, I'm still teaching special ed, but at least this year I'll only be teaching language arts. Teaching two subjects was nerve wrecking. However, this year I'll have to teach all three grades. This should be very interesting.

Baby girl and I are fine. Our rough patch seems to be over for the most part. Thank god!

I've been working tirelessly on my credit for the past seven months. Creditboards.org has been an awesome resource. I had made great strides, but then Sallie mae jacked me up and cost me 100 points! Noone can afford that kinda score drop in this current economic climate. But I'm fighting tooth and nail to change this situation.

I saw the most beautiful town home Friday. It had everything I wanted, but it's kinda outta my price range. *sigh*

I've ended yet another relationship. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and it was just time to end it. Spent eight months trying to get him to reciprocate my feelings, but he just didn't have it in him. Can't change a person's heart. My spirit told me a long time ago that I needed to step away. I finally decided to listen.

No wonder I have issues! My daughter's recent audition for the band and orchestra at her school envoked some memories that I had repressed for quite some time. When I was in 5th grade I wanted to play the flute in our school band. The band director tactlessly told me that flute players needed to have VERY small lips. I settled on the clarinet...and played it for a year.

It's amazing the things we will say to children not realizing what kind of impact it will have on the self-image or esteem. I realize now, that's why I'm so overprotective. I don't want my daughter to suffer the ills of ignorance as I did. I know...I know...I can't prevent other people's ignorance, but I can fight for her when it happens. That's something that was never done for me.

I think my students are making me grammar dumb. I find myself second guessing everything I write now. It's so annoying! The more journal entries and papers I read, the more I find myself making THEIR mistakes. What on Earth shall I do?!!!! I think I may have to take a grammar course every year just to counterbalance their influence. Isn't that insane?!

I AM SO BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What's the purpose of living in Atlanta if I NEVER have anything to do. This is ridiculous. Now, I see why I get myself into trouble so much. I've spent most of the day working on lesson plans. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn't have anything else to do. I was invited to go to the casino in Alabama, but that's not fun to me. This is for the birds. We are getting out tomorrow no matter what.

So I'm sitting in a meeting for all the new teachers at the school when I suddenly hear this sound. It was a scratching sound, like someone might have been scraping the bottom of their shoe across the carpet- back, forth, back, forth. It was irritating as hell! I was trying hard to focus on what the speaker was saying, but the noise was distracting me to no end! Finally, I look around to see the source of this annoying noise and find one of my colleagues sitting at the next table with his shoe off, scratching the heel of his left foot! Is that not the most disgusting thing ever?!

What a week! I guess, now that I'm teaching, I'll be starting many more posts that way. Friday, after work, my coworkers and I went out for cocktails after work. We all had plenty of venting to do. They mainly were all complaining about the same person, I had beef with just one person in particular. Anyhoo, I had a Blue Moon Margarita. It did what it was supposed to, it took the edge off. I came home and just hung out with Baby Girl for the rest of the night.

Saturday she was invited to a sleepover so we had to run around to find a gift. I went to the thrift store and the dollar store, because those are the only two places that my budget can handle right now. We found some brand new Nancy Drew books at the thrift store and she painted a nice watercolor picture for her and we put it in a frame purchased from the dollar store. It was so beautiful. My daughter really has great artistic talent for an eight year old.

Well, when I dropped her off I had no intention of staying for a long period of time, but I was kinda sucked in. I hadn't seen the Moss's in ages so we had alot of catching up to do. Besides, I wanted to make sure that Baby Girl was going to be ok. I'm so protective. Anyhoo, the grown-ups started drinking and before you know it, it was ten o'clock before I finally left. I was there for five and half hours!! But I enjoyed every minute of it. Oh and apparently, I like beer know. They offered me a Heineken (sp?)Light and I enjoyed it. And even had another! I was shocked. Wow, I really feel like a grown-up now.

What a week. Well, this week was the first week of school and I'm tipsy right now. Does that answer any question about how my first week at school went? It shouldn't. I'm working with more EBD kids than I am Autistic kids. And while I don't think they should be in the Special Ed setting, they really do work my nerves. There's this one kid in particular that just won't shut the hell up! And I want to tell him, "Yo! Shut the hell up!" He's bright and has great leadership potential, but he needs to redirect his energy elsewhere. The other AA boys in the class follow his lead. It's sad. It's like they don't have minds of their own. It pisses me off too. Because while he's bright, the others are not. They need to pay attention and learn the content. But they won't do it. It doesn't look "cool". When did it become okay to be stupid? They complain about the work. And wonder why they are in Special Ed. They barely turn in their homework. They want to watch movies on Friday. And they'd rather doodle in class than participate. And I'm not trying to brag, but I'm a good teacher. I give them good, engaging lessons, because I know it's hard to keep their attention, but that's still not enough. No, they think everything is supposed to be a game or a party or easy. I gave them a vocabulary crossword today and they complained because it wasn't a word search. How the hell is a word search going to benefit them or help them learn? But the saddest thing of all, is that everyone is always so quick to blame the problem with our children, especially our boys, on single parent homes. But only one of these boys is being raised by a single parent. Now what? What excuse are we going to give them now instead of just tackling the problem?

Anyway, I am having the most wonderful date right now. Good shrimp, a cornucopia of salads, my favorite white wine, and a romantic comedy. A great date night recipe. My date is soooo awesome. The bomb.

Man, teachers work like rented mules! I don't want to talk about the job here since I have a blog reserved for that very purpose. But I am beat! Nuff said!

You will never believed what happened to me today. I was on my way to the school when something fell off the truck one lane over from me. This something (it looked like one of those mats that are beneath office chairs) bangs into the front of my car. At first, I didn't think it had done any damage because it was very lightweight (or appeared to be) and my car didn't run like it was affected. Well, not 10 seconds later, my car started smoking. I had to pull over on I-85 and inspect the damage. My grill is smashed in! The hood is dented, scarred, and bent! And now my A/C doesn't work!!!!! And it is sweltering outside! And to make matters worse, I won't be able to fix my car for about another three weeks. I don't have full coverage so it's out of pocket for everything. Did I mention that the truck never stopped? Nor did the police ever show up. Atlanta is the worst when it comes to traffic. Anyhoo, I'm dead ass tired so I'm going to bed. Peace y'all.

I've had a wonderful weekend. Thursday night, my friend Lolita came over and we drank two bottles of wine with some fried fish and corn. I woke up with a slight hangover Friday morning, but I'm a soldier so I pressed on. Friday after the Teacher's meeting, my mother and I met some relatives at Atlantic Station for a bite to eat. Afterward taking them back to the hotel, taking my mom home, and my daughter to her friend's for a sleepover, I came home for a quick nap, shower, and went to Sugar Hill with my friend Tania. Tania is absolutely gorgeous! Just a beautiful person inside and out. We had a wonderful time. There were some VERY good looking men in that place. Mmm! I got home about 3 am.

Saturday I got up early to go to Staples because it was Teacher Appreciation Day there and they were giving away lots of free goodies. I LOVE free stuff! Of course, who doesn't? I had a wedding to go to at 11:00 am so I didn't spend as much time as I wanted there.

The wedding was beautiful. I had a very good time and I even danced. I rarely dance at weddings, but the music was at this one. Met a young lady named Fatimah who's a real esate agent and from Chicago. She had a WONDERFUL personality. Like most women here in Atlanta, she doesn't have any sistah friends and she wants to go out or something. We exchanged numbers.

My lack of sleep finally caught up with me after the wedding, so I crashed when I came home, but only for about an hour. I got up to go to Target and over Lolita's for a little bit. I came home and went to sleep around 11 pm.

Now, I'm going over another friend's for dinner.

Why on earth am I recounting my entire weekend anyway?

The Color Purple is on the Oxygen channel right now. I love that movie!

...and not Johnny Gill's version either. LOL! Life is good. It's been rough for the past few months. I was going through some really emotional stuff for a while. But it has passed and I am stronger and wiser because of it.

I have my teaching job! I will be teaching 7th grade Language Arts to Special Ed students. Who would've ever thought that I'd be teaching Special Ed? I'm shocked, but I know that this is right. I asked the Creator to put me where I need to be and that's exactly what he did. And if y'all knew the WHOLE story you'd know that I am right where I belong. LOL! My life is such an adventure at times. It's truly a trip. But it's worth it.

I'm working on my relationship with God. And in doing so, I have begun to see some significant changes in my life. And I've also found out and admitted more stuff about myself. As my profile says, I am truly a work in progress.

Anyhoo, I've started a Teacher Diary on blogspot. I can't remember the link. I'll see if I can find it and I'll post it just in case any of you are interested. Anyhoo, I hope you all are well. Much peace and many blessings.

If you won $100 this afternoon, what would you do with it?

I would treat my daughter and myself to dinner and a movie. And put gas in my car! A full tank!

Blessings
-Well, April's rent has been paid thanks to a generous and loving aunt. Thank God!

-I found out Friday that I got a job lined up for June that will pay $25 an hour. Thank you God!

-Saturday, I met and bonded with some really good people, all Tauruses, with wonderful spirits. Thank you God!

I've been sick for about a week now. It started as a sore throat. And man has it been unbearable. I've taken Vitamin C supplements daily. I've been drinking herbal tea for Colds and green tea. And finally, I broke down and bought some Tylenol Cold and Sore throat. And would you believe that none of it has worked? The sore throat has progressed to a full blown chest cold. And I've lost my voice on top of that. I even had a fever a couple of days ago. So I don't know what's trying to grab a hold of me, but I REFUSE to let it...although it looks like it already has.

Anyhoo, I worked out Saturday, but I haven't been able to really work out any other day. I'm determined to work out this week though. I'm shooting for 90 minutes of cardio everyday this week.

I'm going to prom. The school's prom is this Friday. And although Friday was my last day at the school, the principal, and my students, insist that I come to the prom. So I'm going to go see my babies all dressed up. And this will give me the opportunity to dress up myself. I haven't worn an after six dress in a long time. It'll be fun.

I'm trying to think of what I can do, regarding my diet, to assist with my blood pressure. I think I may have to give up bread. At first, I was considering giving up meat again, but after doing much research, I found that this is ineffective. It seems the main problem is bread because of carbs and sugar. It's interesting. I haven't made a definite decision though. I just know that I'm not going to be on BP meds for the rest of my life.

I HAVE, however, made a definite decision on abstinence. I am officially abstaining for a while. I've given enough of my female energy and I'm not willing to do it anymore. Especially when I haven't found it to be worth it. I'm losing too much of myself with each encounter. So that's that. And I feel good about it!

Well, that's the latest. As always, I hope you all are well. Peace and blessings!

Here I am. I'm at THE place. Not knowing what to do, feeling helpess, but knowing that I need to do something and there's no time to feel helpless. I'm at that place where I feel that prayer isn't enough, but know that it is everything. I'm here.

I don't have my rent. I can't afford to move. I've called various agencies trying to get assistance. Most are out of funds until May or don't service my zipcode. My landlord wants his money. I've been trying to come up with ways to pay the rent. Do I have a car wash? Post up on Roswell Rd with a big sign asking for donations? Hell if people are willing to give to the homeless, won't they give to someone who's trying not to become homeless? I don't have long, he wants his money and my lease expired last month.

Please pray for me and my little one.

Sometimes I just need a little reminder. That's all.

Two steps forward and one step back seems to be the theme of my life here lately. Where do I begin?

Motherhood
Baby girl celebrated her 8th b-day on the 17th. Sad to say, but we didn't do much. I'm living quite frugally and a party wasn't possible. My sister sent her $50 and I had a $20 Jillian's card. So I took her to Jillian's, got her some balloons and carnations for a grand total of $14. And even though I spent less than $15, she had a wonderful time. That's all that really mattered.

Work
Well, I have run into some serious problems with potentially securing a teaching position in the fall. It seems that my Master's program isn't state approved so Georgia is saying that I have to get certified in Florida first and then apply for reciprocity in Georgia. Well, I've already spend close to $500 on tests, transcripts, and misc. to get certified here in Georgia. Now, I have to kick out even more money to get certified in Florida first. And to be honest, I don't know how I'm going to pay for these tests. I haven't even paid my rent for April. And I need to focus on that first. My landlord will be contacting me soon I'm sure. I contacted Buckhead Christian Ministry to see if I could get rental assistance and they stated that I don't qualify as the "working poor". Yeah, ok. Unemployment denied me. But I plan to appeal. Hopefully, this time will be successful. Luckily, I was able to get food stamps. So we won't starve. I went to Intermezzo to apply for a waitressing position and I had an interview yesterday. As soon as this student teaching is over, I need to step into a job. In the meantime, waitressing could at least help me pay some of my small bills and possibly my car payment. *sigh*

School
Over it! May 5 hurry up so that I can get on with my life.

Love Life
Non-existent. Next....

That's pretty much it. I'm working out like a maniac so that I don't get depressed. I haven't spoken to anyone really just Mom Dukes and MP. Thank goodness for them. Everyone else is doing their own thang in their own little worlds, as usual. I pretty much got tired of reaching out to people who were always so busy or weren't initiating any contact, so I stopped. Not saying I was right, but it is what it is. People here are weird....

I hope anyone who reads this is well and blessed. Take care!