...and I'm pissed! I've been on this streak. A streak of unexplicable happiness. It's felt so good and long overdue. There hasn't been a reason, just really happy with my life just the way it is. I didn't win a substantial amount of money or pay off all my debts. I haven't found a new love or anything of that magnitude, but I've still just been really happy. But now, I'm feeling some kinda way about shit. And it's not necessarily justified, but the feelings are present nonetheless. I keep telling myself, "Don't compare yourself to others. You MUSN'T compare yourself to others!" But it seems there's a louder voice overpowering that voice. I look around me and everywhere I turn it seems that people are realizing or living out their dreams and I can't help but ask "Why isn't that me?" Why do I work extra hard at doing what's necessary to actually work on writing, but I still haven't published a damn thing?! I took a teaching job, just so that I could have the time necessary to write, but have had to use most of my time off to work extra hours to make more money. Ends are not meeting and I'm becoming increasingly frustrated. People who haven't had this as a lifelong dream are just writing books are all over the damn place and I still haven't gotten half-way through one. I've started six books. SIX!!!!! And at the end of the day, I'm so tired that I can't even think about characters, settings, or plots so I don't add anything to either of them. No..., I don't want to think about it. Instead, I have to cook, clean, do hair or laundry, help with homework, supervise baths or other such parental duties that are required of me.

And then not to mention, this weight loss thing is a full-time job itself. Working out 2 hours or more, 5 days a week takes a large chunk of my time. Planning menus/meals, preparing lunch and snacks for the next day all require alot of time. I'm so frustrated right now I could cry. I can't do it all, but I don't see what I can cut out at this point. Therefore, the thing that's being sacrificed is the writing. *sigh* I'm not happy right now.

I'm tired.

...and I can't quite put my finger on why. I started the school year with such an optimistic outlook. And now, going into the fourth week, I'm feeling like I don't know what the hell I'm doing, the kids aren't responding to the content the way I'd hope, and many of them seem just as lost as I am. They're bored, no correction, we are bored. For the past three weeks, I've had to administer mandatory benchmarks and writing assessments. They are feeling slightly burnt out already. Not to mention, some of them just don't want to be there anyway so any request for them to do work is met with groans and complaints. One kid even asked if he could just go to sleep. "Miss (God forbid he actually use my name)can I go to sleep, Miss?"

I have this bad habit of looking at them like they're crazy when they ask me stupid questions. It's such a hard habit to break. I don't even try to disguise my annoyance or disgust. I'm frustrated. They're frustrated. We are definitely not vibing.

I want this year to be different. I want them to actually want to learn. I want them to be motivated. I know I have to get them excited. But how can I get them excited if I'm not excited. How can I prevent myself from getting annoyed when they ask me "Miss, what's the homework?" after I've already said it and it's on the board in the same spot it's been in since the first day of school?

I need an attitude adjustment. I know this. *sigh* Time to put my game face on.

I am on the hunt for the a good, no, great electric pencil sharpener. Who makes the best? How much does it cost? Where can I find it? And how long does it last? LOL. Lot of questions, but I need to know. Thanx a million!

"Read teaching"

Today has been a long day. I'm trying to get my classroom together, but it's hard starting from scratch. Slowly, but surely it will get done. It has to.

That darn Alicia Keys is sho nuff the truth. I recently discovered her song "Lessons Learned". Boy is that ever my story! I could've written that song. I guess I did...just a different version.

I took advantage of all the teacher appreciation specials today. My day was actually pretty good. All except I accidentally threw away my retainer. Oops. And that's literally like throwing money away. A very expensive mistake.

It's thundering right now and it's so beautiful. I love the rain.

Post

long! Much to say...much to say, but I will have to take baby steps. Especially since its been 45 weeks since my last post. For now, I'll just give a synopsis.

Not too much has changed. I'm going into my 2nd year at Lilburn. Unfortunately, I'm still teaching special ed, but at least this year I'll only be teaching language arts. Teaching two subjects was nerve wrecking. However, this year I'll have to teach all three grades. This should be very interesting.

Baby girl and I are fine. Our rough patch seems to be over for the most part. Thank god!

I've been working tirelessly on my credit for the past seven months. Creditboards.org has been an awesome resource. I had made great strides, but then Sallie mae jacked me up and cost me 100 points! Noone can afford that kinda score drop in this current economic climate. But I'm fighting tooth and nail to change this situation.

I saw the most beautiful town home Friday. It had everything I wanted, but it's kinda outta my price range. *sigh*

I've ended yet another relationship. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and it was just time to end it. Spent eight months trying to get him to reciprocate my feelings, but he just didn't have it in him. Can't change a person's heart. My spirit told me a long time ago that I needed to step away. I finally decided to listen.

No wonder I have issues! My daughter's recent audition for the band and orchestra at her school envoked some memories that I had repressed for quite some time. When I was in 5th grade I wanted to play the flute in our school band. The band director tactlessly told me that flute players needed to have VERY small lips. I settled on the clarinet...and played it for a year.

It's amazing the things we will say to children not realizing what kind of impact it will have on the self-image or esteem. I realize now, that's why I'm so overprotective. I don't want my daughter to suffer the ills of ignorance as I did. I know...I know...I can't prevent other people's ignorance, but I can fight for her when it happens. That's something that was never done for me.

I think my students are making me grammar dumb. I find myself second guessing everything I write now. It's so annoying! The more journal entries and papers I read, the more I find myself making THEIR mistakes. What on Earth shall I do?!!!! I think I may have to take a grammar course every year just to counterbalance their influence. Isn't that insane?!

I AM SO BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What's the purpose of living in Atlanta if I NEVER have anything to do. This is ridiculous. Now, I see why I get myself into trouble so much. I've spent most of the day working on lesson plans. Not because I wanted to, but because I didn't have anything else to do. I was invited to go to the casino in Alabama, but that's not fun to me. This is for the birds. We are getting out tomorrow no matter what.